You shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, but I think there’d be less atheists if the Bible made an effort.
Bitesize Review - LEGO City Undercover
Right, well, sit down. This won’t take long. It’s just a quick root canal, or a filling, or a… something. Lie back, breathe deeply, relax (but don’t fall asleep), and endure the procedure. Gosh, your teeth are terrible. Oh, by the way, have you played LEGO City Undercover? When I was a child, I possessed a strange fear that the statue of Anne Frank found outside her Amsterdam home would break...
I’ve developed a habit of reading the backs of Blu-Rays and DVDs in a Yorkshire accent. Contains bloody violence. Bloody, bloody violence.
I’ve unlocked the Historian trophy on Tomb Raider. No need to continue my history degree now.
”[Assassin’s Creed IV] Black Flag director Ashraf Ismail stressed that his global team was focusing on placing Edward into a more historically accurate take on this era – no parrots, no Krakens, no theme park shine … It wants to be grittier, more true to the dark, rough reality of the era.” - The Dawn of Assassin’s Creed IV: Black Flag, IGN.com Historically...
A review of LEGO Batman 2: DC Super Heroes
It can only be a coincidence that LEGO Batman 2: DC Super Heroes found its way into shops a few weeks before the cinematic release of the Caped Crusader’s latest brooding, psychologically-intense adventure, The Dark Knight Rises. After all, it’s not like Traveller’s Tales, LEGO Batman 2’s developer, to lazily capitalise on movie franchises. Okay, so maybe it is. A month prior to Peter Jackson...
I reckon French monarch Louis XIV would have got on well with animated monarch Kuzco from The Emperor’s New Groove. Dispute that all you want. It’s my opinion. Look, I’m sorry if you disagree.
I’ve bought my little brother a DVD called Scooby Doo Meets Batman for his birthday. It’s Frost/Nixon for children, I think.
It’s pancake day, or as I like to call it: pancake day. I… I like to call it pancake day.
It’s disconcerting when Game of Thrones characters swear. I’m sure Gandalf, puffing on his pipe-weed, would arch a disapproving brow.
An interview with Jonason Pauley and Jesse...
As 1995’s finest, and only, computer-animated film, Toy Story paved the way not merely for a fantastic and unforgettable trilogy, but also a legacy that swells far beyond its 276 minute running time. Of all film titles, “Toy Story” is up there as one of the most responsible. It adheres to language philosopher Paul Grice’s conversational maxims. It tells you just as much as you...
Excerpt from Les Misérables screenplay
JAVERT: Now prisoner 24601, Your time is up And your parole’s begun. You know what that means. VALJEAN: Yes, it means I’m 3. JAVERT: No, you’re prisoner 24601. VALJEAN: My name is Jean Valjean. JAVERT: And I’m Javert. VALJEAN: This is a great movie. JAVERT: Yes, it is.
Some actual Django Unchained reviews
“Just watched it wot a grate Movie” “wonderful movie but be warned,ultra voilent” “Stylish…nice movie..just watched…….I like Quintin’s movies…” “GREAT GREAT !” “woooow!!!!this movie is js…..wow” “Nice, nice, nice!”
Quentin Blake definitely deserves his knighthood.
Why, just think of all the fantastic things he has drawn! squiggly grandads squiggly big fruit squiggly birds squiggly naked mothers swimming with their squiggly naked babies
I told my dad that I did not understand the difference between an orange and a tangerine, and he told me “to get out more.” “Get out where?” I replied coolly. “The jungle?” I was proud of that one.
Christmas Poem by David Rattigan
Deck the halls with boughs of holly ‘Tis the season to be Holly Merry Christmas, Holly Why don’t you love me
Lost Love - A poem by David Rattigan
Lady in the Batman shirt, Sitting on the train, Why did I not approach you And say, “I could be your Bane”?
I’m feeling very serene on the eve of armageddon. You could say I’m experiencing calmageddon. (Don’t say that, because it’s stupid.)
I turn heads wherever I go. I just reach over and give them a little turn.
Just think of all the money Instagram are going to make selling beige photographs of spaghetti bolognaise.
I recently had this dream where I was chased by a marching gang of Hitler Youth who were chanting Fun’s We Are Young. Notice how I used the word “dream” instead of “nightmare.”
Harry Styles and Taylor Swift were the other night, rumour has it, only a mile or so from my home, browsing a Tesco. I do not actively enjoy the music of either human, but I do wish that I had met them. It would have been great to pass them with a basket containing bananas and carrots and some chocolate digestives and the new Empire magazine. I could have pointed to them and then to their CDs on...
An interview with Daniel Kleinman, James Bond...
“I love James Bond. Bloody Bond. I bloody love ‘im.” So spake Ringo Starr, and we share his feelings. A favourite feature of ours has long been the James Bond title sequence, serving as it does a beautiful dose of surreal imagery and beautiful artistry before the incumbent 007 is let loose on his latest unlikely mission. If there’s one thing that sets the Bond series...
I visited a costume shop yesterday, on the hunt for 1930s period costumes. “Do you have any 1930s period costumes?” I asked. “Why, yes!” the owner beamed. “Yes, yes, we do.” She produced a deflated Tin Man suit and some Nazi armbands.
Pondering television programme 'Dexter'
What if Dexter Morgan, eponymous anti-hero of television programme Dexter, wasn’t a killer, but a rapist? What if Dexter Morgan, eponymous anti-hero of television programme Dexter, didn’t kill people who have killed, but raped people who have raped? Would television programme Dexter, with its eponymous anti-hero Dexter Morgan, receive the same viewing figures, the same critical...
I had a Midnight in Paris-inspired dream last night. Instead of famous artists, I met with prominent members of the Nazi Party. I fell in love with Eva Braun and we strolled through war-torn Berlin in the rain.
There was a homeless man miming for money outside a shop. I mimed throwing him a penny. He mimed being shortchanged. We mimed laughter.
Unbelievable Uni Confessions By Uni Students Who...
“I had sex with a different guy every night of Freshers’ Week. Or at least I thought I did. Turned out it was the same guy wearing joke-shop celebrity masks, and I’d been too scazzed out on booze and dubstep to notice that I’d been making love to Barack Obama, Princess Diana, and Mitt Romney.” “I was so totally fucked on E-tops and whiz pills that I started kissing my own...
If a tree falls in the forest, who is there to comfort it, and stroke its snapped branches, crooning, “There there, there there”?
Behind every great man is an assassin. Shhh.
I saw The Amazing Spider-Man on Tuesday and it got me wondering. Why in most popular fiction, from The Catcher in the Rye to The Sarah Jane Adventures, are teenagers nearly always depicted as brave and intelligent, when really they’re gargling, arrogant, erection-concealing idiots? When you think about it, Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide is like a fly on the wall documentary.
[Science News] - Lana Del Rey's lips to be carved...
US President A$AP Rocky has announced that a sculpture of Lana Del Rey’s lips will be carved on the surface of the Moon by 1970. The announcement comes a month after the Soviet Union successfully sent the first human into space, their former leader Joseph Stalin, whose body was removed from the Red Square Mausoleum and blasted into the Sun when he became “too much of a hassle to store on...
Happy birthday, Lana Del Rey
Today is Lana Del Rey’s birthday. Happy birthday, Ms Del Rey. I hope your day is as pleasant as that time when you were drowned in a pool by a Dickensian blacksmith. Here is a selection of little known facts about the belipped musician to celebrate when she burst into the world twenty-six years ago as a gut-smothered infant human. Relevant images aren’t included. — Del Rey was...