The Midnight Pastry Brigade

You shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, but I think there’d be less atheists if the...

Thu, 11 Apr 2013 16:35:29 +0100

You shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, but I think there’d be less atheists if the Bible made an effort.

Bitesize Review - LEGO City Undercover

Sun, 31 Mar 2013 16:40:00 +0100

Right, well, sit down. This won’t take long. It’s just a quick root canal, or a filling, or a… something. Lie back, breathe deeply, relax (but don’t fall asleep), and endure the procedure. Gosh, your teeth are terrible.

Oh, by the way, have you played LEGO City Undercover?

When I was a child, I possessed a strange fear that the statue of Anne Frank found outside her Amsterdam home would break from its foundations, race across the North Sea, and burst through my bedroom wall. I also possessed a PlayStation 1 and a sparse collection of games. One of them was Toy Story 2, a platformer tie-in of, uh, Toy Story 2, developed by Traveller’s Tales, whose logo was a weird fox creature lying on a rock and carrying a bindle. Another was LEGO Island 2, an open world adventure set on a number of, uh, LEGO islands. My childhood seems to have materialised in disc-based form with the release of LEGO City Undercover, an open world LEGO platformer, which Traveller’s Tales are behind. Well, their younger sibling TT Fusion, at any rate. Bless ‘em.

I’ve developed a habit of reading the backs of Blu-Rays and DVDs in a Yorkshire...

Sat, 30 Mar 2013 13:04:00 +0000

I’ve developed a habit of reading the backs of Blu-Rays and DVDs in a Yorkshire accent.

Contains bloody violence. Bloody, bloody violence.

I’ve unlocked the Historian trophy on Tomb Raider. No need to continue my history degree now.

Sun, 24 Mar 2013 18:34:00 +0000

I’ve unlocked the Historian trophy on Tomb Raider.

No need to continue my history degree now.

‎”[Assassin’s Creed IV] Black Flag director Ashraf Ismail stressed that his global team...

Mon, 04 Mar 2013 10:17:00 +0000

‎”[Assassin’s Creed IV] Black Flag director Ashraf Ismail stressed that his global team was focusing on placing Edward into a more historically accurate take on this era – no parrots, no Krakens, no theme park shine … It wants to be grittier, more true to the dark, rough reality of the era.”

- The Dawn of Assassin’s Creed IV: Black Flag, IGN.com

Historically accurate, ah yes, yes. The Assassin’s Creed franchise has always been incredibly sensitive to the past, extremely delicate in its rendering of the complexities and nuances of former times.

Like that bit in Assassin’s Creed II where you duel the Pope.

A review of LEGO Batman 2: DC Super Heroes

Fri, 01 Mar 2013 12:18:24 +0000

It can only be a coincidence that LEGO Batman 2: DC Super Heroes found its way into shops a few weeks before the cinematic release of the Caped Crusader’s latest brooding, psychologically-intense adventure, The Dark Knight Rises. After all, it’s not like Traveller’s Tales, LEGO Batman 2’s developer, to lazily capitalise on movie franchises. Okay, so maybe it is. A month prior to Peter Jackson pumping out the first hairy segment of his Lord of the Rings prequel trilogy, LEGO The Lord of the Rings: The Video Game appeared. But you needn’t worry, for even as blatant, stinking film tie-ins, LEGO Batman 2 and LEGO The Lord of the Rings are both great – particularly the bat-based former.

As LEGO minifig recreations of Batman and his chums and nemeses, you gad about a sprawling, moody, rain-soaked Gotham City, complete with buildings and numerous roads, where you can freely toddle, clamber, swing, punch, and (as Superman, Superman for Zod’s sake, amongst other characters, like Wonder Woman and, everybody’s favourite killer moth, Killer Moth) fly. You can even ride a gorilla. Well, a LEGO gorilla. But a gorilla. I remember fondly having Bane straddle one of the hapless primates, and watching with demented joy as the pair lumbered through the busy streets, flattening terrified pedestrians. You’ll want LEGO Batman 2: DC Super Heroes just to do that, I assure you.

I reckon French monarch Louis XIV would have got on well with animated monarch Kuzco from The...

Tue, 26 Feb 2013 18:37:50 +0000

I reckon French monarch Louis XIV would have got on well with animated monarch Kuzco from The Emperor’s New Groove.

Dispute that all you want. It’s my opinion.

Look, I’m sorry if you disagree.

I’ve bought my little brother a DVD called Scooby Doo Meets Batman for his birthday....

Sun, 24 Feb 2013 13:19:30 +0000

I’ve bought my little brother a DVD called Scooby Doo Meets Batman for his birthday.

It’s Frost/Nixon for children, I think.

It’s pancake day, or as I like to call it: pancake day. I… I like to call it pancake...

Tue, 12 Feb 2013 19:32:08 +0000

It’s pancake day, or as I like to call it: pancake day.

I… I like to call it pancake day.

It’s disconcerting when Game of Thrones characters swear. I’m sure Gandalf, puffing on...

Sun, 27 Jan 2013 21:08:14 +0000

It’s disconcerting when Game of Thrones characters swear. I’m sure Gandalf, puffing on his pipe-weed, would arch a disapproving brow.

An interview with Jonason Pauley and Jesse Perrotta, the directors of Live Action Toy Story

Sun, 27 Jan 2013 17:32:00 +0000

As 1995’s finest, and only, computer-animated film, Toy Story paved the way not merely for a fantastic and unforgettable trilogy, but also a legacy that swells far beyond its 276 minute running time.

Of all film titles, “Toy Story” is up there as one of the most responsible. It adheres to language philosopher Paul Grice’s conversational maxims. It tells you just as much as you need to know, and does so as concisely as possible: there will be a story, and it will have at least one toy. “Toy Story,” as a title, is about as far removed from, say, “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” as Toy Story is from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.

With this in mind, it doesn’t take a genius to work out what the ingenious Live Action Toy Story is all about. A live action remake of the original movie, Live Action Toy Story was uploaded to YouTube two weeks ago and has since become really rather popular, with 8,334,258 views at the time of writing. We emailed its creators, Jonason Pauley and Jesse Perrotta, and asked them a few questions.

Hello, Jonason. Hello hello, Jesse.

Jonason: Yo!

Jesse: Hey, howdy, hey!

Read the full interview here

Excerpt from Les Misérables screenplay

Wed, 23 Jan 2013 13:46:00 +0000

JAVERT:
Now prisoner 24601,
Your time is up
And your parole’s begun.
You know what that means.

VALJEAN:
Yes, it means I’m 3.

JAVERT:
No, you’re prisoner 24601.

VALJEAN:
My name is Jean Valjean.

JAVERT:
And I’m Javert.

VALJEAN:
This is a great movie.

JAVERT:
Yes, it is.

Some actual Django Unchained reviews

Sat, 19 Jan 2013 18:37:00 +0000

“Just watched it wot a grate Movie”

“wonderful movie but be warned,ultra voilent”

“Stylish…nice movie..just watched…….I like Quintin’s movies…”

“GREAT GREAT !”

“woooow!!!!this movie is js…..wow”

“Nice, nice, nice!”

Quentin Blake definitely deserves his knighthood.

Wed, 02 Jan 2013 18:45:00 +0000

Why, just think of all the fantastic things he has drawn!

squiggly grandads
squiggly big fruit
squiggly birds
squiggly naked mothers swimming with their squiggly naked babies

I told my dad that I did not understand the difference between an orange and a tangerine, and he...

Mon, 31 Dec 2012 15:48:02 +0000

I told my dad that I did not understand the difference between an orange and a tangerine, and he told me “to get out more.”

“Get out where?” I replied coolly. “The jungle?”

I was proud of that one.

Christmas Poem by David Rattigan

Mon, 24 Dec 2012 14:54:20 +0000

Deck the halls with boughs of holly
‘Tis the season to be Holly
Merry Christmas, Holly
Why don’t you love me

Lost Love - A poem by David Rattigan

Fri, 21 Dec 2012 21:05:13 +0000

Lady in the Batman shirt,
Sitting on the train,
Why did I not approach you
And say, “I could be your Bane”?

I’m feeling very serene on the eve of armageddon.You could say I’m experiencing...

Fri, 21 Dec 2012 00:06:50 +0000

I’m feeling very serene on the eve of armageddon.

You could say I’m experiencing calmageddon.

(Don’t say that, because it’s stupid.)

I turn heads wherever I go. I just reach over and give them a little turn.

Wed, 19 Dec 2012 20:58:41 +0000

I turn heads wherever I go. I just reach over and give them a little turn.

Just think of all the money Instagram are going to make selling beige photographs of spaghetti...

Wed, 19 Dec 2012 00:23:20 +0000

Just think of all the money Instagram are going to make selling beige photographs of spaghetti bolognaise.