Today is Lana Del Rey’s birthday. Happy birthday, Ms Del Rey. I hope your day is as pleasant as that time when you were drowned in a pool by a Dickensian blacksmith.
Here is a selection of little known facts about the belipped musician to celebrate when she burst into the world twenty-six years ago as a gut-smothered infant human. Relevant images aren’t included.
Del Rey was born underneath a portrait of Maximilien Robespierre. The painting had to undergo a decade long restoration process when twelve gallons of embryonic fluid splashed onto Robespierre’s face.
Before Del Rey became a musician, she worked as a children’s puppeteer. Two of her least popular characters were Lucifer, a dead housefly stuck on the edge of a paperclip, and Long Gone Sliver, a black-and-white photograph of a gaunt Viet Cong prisoner of war. She is now prohibited from working with children.
Del Rey begins every live performance by singing the Horst-Wessel-Lied, the anthem of the Nazi Party, whilst gyrating against a swastika-bearing flagpole.
Because of recording commitments, Del Rey turned down a role in the recent Marvel Avengers Assemble movie. She was set to play Gargantuan Frog, love interest to the Hulk.
Del Rey’s look is inspired by a dead badger she once saw jammed in a car wheel. In a recent television interview, she described how she was drawn to the badger’s mangled head as it poked out from between the spokes. “It looked so peaceful there,” she said, “with its gaping eyes and bloodied mouth. I wanted to replicate that.”