Lady in the Batman shirt,
Sitting on the train,
Why did I not approach you
And say, “I could be your Bane”?

“There’s a reason why this prison is the worst hell on earth: it only has a CRT television of 4:3 aspect ratio. Nope. Nope. No high definition.”

I had a Midnight in Paris-inspired dream last night. Instead of famous artists, I met with prominent members of the Nazi Party. I fell in love with Eva Braun and we strolled through war-torn Berlin in the rain.

“I had sex with a different guy every night of Freshers’ Week. Or at least I thought I did. Turned out it was the same guy wearing joke-shop celebrity masks, and I’d been too scazzed out on booze and dubstep to notice that I’d been making love to Barack Obama, Princess Diana, and Mitt Romney.”

“I was so totally fucked on E-tops and whiz pills that I started kissing my own image in a mirror. I undressed and groped mercilessly at the mirror’s surface until the whole thing shattered into a thousand reflective knives, scarring my body forever.”

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Found an old CD full of “32-BIT GAMES FOR WINDOWS 95/98”.

Includes such classics as “HYPER BLADE: Futuristic game on a kind of roller skates”, “AMBER: Adventure, which starts in an office”, and “FOZZIE: Protect Fozzie Bear against all fruit thrown at him”.

A bargain at 89p.

(Click the image to increase its largeness.)

US President A$AP Rocky has announced that a sculpture of Lana Del Rey’s lips will be carved on the surface of the Moon by 1970.

The announcement comes a month after the Soviet Union successfully sent the first human into space, their former leader Joseph Stalin, whose body was removed from the Red Square Mausoleum and blasted into the Sun when he became “too much of a hassle to store on Earth.”

It is believed that President Rocky’s planned space programme is an attempt to outdo this recent achievement by the Soviet Union, and to repair his reputation following the so-called Bay of Pigs fiasco, when Mr Rocky lost to Cuban leader Fidel Castro at the PS1 game Hogs of War.

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Today is Lana Del Rey’s birthday. Happy birthday, Ms Del Rey. I hope your day is as pleasant as that time when you were drowned in a pool by a Dickensian blacksmith.

Here is a selection of little known facts about the belipped musician to celebrate when she burst into the world twenty-six years ago as a gut-smothered infant human. Relevant images aren’t included.

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Del Rey was born underneath a portrait of Maximilien Robespierre. The painting had to undergo a decade long restoration process when twelve gallons of embryonic fluid splashed onto Robespierre’s face.

Before Del Rey became a musician, she worked as a children’s puppeteer. Two of her least popular characters were Lucifer, a dead housefly stuck on the edge of a paperclip, and Long Gone Sliver, a black-and-white photograph of a gaunt Viet Cong prisoner of war. She is now prohibited from working with children.

Del Rey begins every live performance by singing the Horst-Wessel-Lied, the anthem of the Nazi Party, whilst gyrating against a swastika-bearing flagpole.

Because of recording commitments, Del Rey turned down a role in the recent Marvel Avengers Assemble movie. She was set to play Gargantuan Frog, love interest to the Hulk.

Del Rey’s look is inspired by a dead badger she once saw jammed in a car wheel. In a recent television interview, she described how she was drawn to the badger’s mangled head as it poked out from between the spokes. “It looked so peaceful there,” she said, “with its gaping eyes and bloodied mouth. I wanted to replicate that.”