“There’s a reason why this prison is the worst hell on earth: it only has a CRT television of 4:3 aspect ratio. Nope. Nope. No high definition.”
I had a Midnight in Paris-inspired dream last night. Instead of famous artists, I met with prominent members of the Nazi Party. I fell in love with Eva Braun and we strolled through war-torn Berlin in the rain.
“I had sex with a different guy every night of Freshers’ Week. Or at least I thought I did. Turned out it was the same guy wearing joke-shop celebrity masks, and I’d been too scazzed out on booze and dubstep to notice that I’d been making love to Barack Obama, Princess Diana, and Mitt Romney.”
“I was so totally fucked on E-tops and whiz pills that I started kissing my own image in a mirror. I undressed and groped mercilessly at the mirror’s surface until the whole thing shattered into a thousand reflective knives, scarring my body forever.”
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Found an old CD full of “32-BIT GAMES FOR WINDOWS 95/98”.
Includes such classics as “HYPER BLADE: Futuristic game on a kind of roller skates”, “AMBER: Adventure, which starts in an office”, and “FOZZIE: Protect Fozzie Bear against all fruit thrown at him”.
A bargain at 89p.
(Click the image to increase its largeness.)
I saw The Amazing Spider-Man on Tuesday and it got me wondering.
Why in most popular fiction, from The Catcher in the Rye to The Sarah Jane Adventures, are teenagers nearly always depicted as brave and intelligent, when really they’re gargling, arrogant, erection-concealing idiots?
When you think about it, Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide is like a fly on the wall documentary.
US President A$AP Rocky has announced that a sculpture of Lana Del Rey’s lips will be carved on the surface of the Moon by 1970.
The announcement comes a month after the Soviet Union successfully sent the first human into space, their former leader Joseph Stalin, whose body was removed from the Red Square Mausoleum and blasted into the Sun when he became “too much of a hassle to store on Earth.”
It is believed that President Rocky’s planned space programme is an attempt to outdo this recent achievement by the Soviet Union, and to repair his reputation following the so-called Bay of Pigs fiasco, when Mr Rocky lost to Cuban leader Fidel Castro at the PS1 game Hogs of War.